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Aug 10

Wife Finds Dating Profile for Cheating Husband

As a humorous mommy blogger I read a lot of blog round-ups. Earlier in the week I saw this teaser on Café Mom:

I found my husband’s profile on a dating website!

signs of cheating husband 300x171 Wife Finds Dating Profile for Cheating Husband

Ah-ha! I thought you were too attentive to be my husband!

Holy smokes, that got my attention! I know it’s like tuning into a reality show, but I couldn’t resist reading it. And sure enough, this poor woman accidentally found an e-mail addressed to her cheating husband from a dating website when she hopped on her husband’s e-mail program (on their home computer) to order pizza for the family. (Quick sidebar here, how could the cheating husband be so stupid as to use the same e-mail for covert dating that he uses on the family computer? Not that I advocate his behavior, but this kind of falls under the “Stupid Criminals” category.)

As you can imagine, everyone from marriage counselors to jilted wives weighed in on this wife’s dilemma (by way of the 1,400+ comments). Most of them displayed incarnadine anger, urging her to dump her cheating husband’s sorry ass.

I did not comment because the Flying Fickle Finger of Fate has taught me that you can’t judge a person’s behavior until you’ve been in the same situation. And even then I may not do the same thing as someone else given the exact same set of circumstances. Everybody’s different and each person has to do what’s right for his or her own state of affairs (so to speak).

So whatever this woman decides I’m sure it will be best for her and her family. And if not, then I’m sure it will be next time.

How Would I Handle a Cheating Husband?

If I were ever in this position, I’m fairly certain I’d make Cheating Husband twist in the wind regardless of how the story ultimately played out. I consider myself adept in the dark arts of creative deception (comes in handy as a writer), but up until this point I’ve always used my super powers for good instead of evil. However, in this extreme case, here’s what I’d like to THINK I would do.

  • Open my own account on the same dating website under an assumed name (I’m thinking Trixie Swan would be a good dating handle)
  • Insert a picture of some little-known, young, hot European model that makes Heidi Klum look like the lunch lady at San Quentin Prison (if that’s even possible)
  • Contact Cheating Husband through the dating website as my alter ego and request we meet in a swanky hotel room (that Cheating Husband reserves on his credit card), with the promise of “hot monkey sex” if we hit it off within 10 minutes
Heidi Klum 300x225 Wife Finds Dating Profile for Cheating Husband

Trixie Swan has to beat this on Match.com

I’d schedule our proposed “date” far enough in the future where he’d have to try to act normal at home around the kids and me, knowing the louse has a clandestine rendez-vous with some Euro-trash skank on Tuesday night. Then I’d make sure that something came up on Tuesday night (“Hey Honey, the kids have a school band concert on Tuesday opening for the Pope. Shall we go to Red Robin first?”) just so I could watch him sputter out the lamest excuses to get out of it.

Of course, being the understanding wife, I’d let Cheating Husband off the hook to so he could meet his boss for an important business dinner (or whatever). Then I’d round up a camera crew (probably four to six of my BFFs, all of whom happen to be very savvy with a video camera), get to our quiet little meeting place early, and sip champagne with my homeys until Mr. Wonderful arrives.

The Moment of Truth

Cheating 300x224 Wife Finds Dating Profile for Cheating Husband

Every cheating husband’s worst nightmare!

When he knocks on the door, I’d turn off the lights and have one of my girlfriends purr, “Come in…” Once he was in the room I’d suddenly illuminate the place like Times Square to give Cheating Husband the surprise of his life. (And if he has a heart attack, oh well. At least he’s insured.) All caught on glorious HD, of course.

What an interesting YouTube video THAT would be, right? I bet it’d go viral faster than a venereal disease on a couples’ retreat for reconciling cheating spouses.

Truth be told I’m all talk. In reality, I’m not sure how I’d react if I ever ended up in this poor lady’s situation (I never have and I hope I never will). I’d probably bawl my eyes out and fall apart like a wet tissue until my girlfriends (God love ‘em) came along and talked me down from my misery. I’m guessing there’d be a lot of chocolate or alcohol (or both) involved.

But just in case, if you ever run across an impossibly beautiful German model on Match.com named Trixie Swan, I think it’d be in everybody’s best interest if you just passed her by.

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Stacy Dymalski is a stand-up comic who gave up the glamorous life of coach travel, smokey comedy clubs, and heckling drunks for the glamourous life of raising kids (who happen to be bigger hecklers than the drunks). This blog is her new stage.

For more of Stacy’s comedy check out her hilarious book Confessions of a Band Geek Mom available in paperback and on Kindle on Amazon.com.

13 comments

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  1. Abbie Gale

    You just give me a yell, This sounds like it would be right up my alley. One of my girlfriends husbands had an affair, (they did get a divorce) and before he knew she knew I mailed her Iron-Ons that said things like, “I am a liar. I said I do but I didn’t” or “I sleep with women other than my wife.” I mailed them to her and told her to just iron them onto the back of all his shirts. She didn’t, of course, but it was a much needed laugh. I put her on Match.com, without telling her, and before smart phones. She came home to like 3,000 emails. It was awesome! Match.com asked to make her a “featured” member. That is one great ego booster. We drank wine at night and read the messages on the phone. Thank God I am not single!

    1. Stacy Dymalski

      You’re friend was lucky to have a friend like you, Abbie. I swear, men come and go in women’s lives, but girlfriends provide the ballast we need when the foundation crumbles. I’ve been through some pretty shaky times myself, and I have to say gal pals have always pulled me through.

  2. Terri @ The Laughing Mom

    Brilliant, Trixie! We’ll call your technique, “The Chris Hansen” of Dateline catch a predator fame. I don’t think I’d be blogging about it if it happened to me, but like you said, you never know until it does. What a way to generate support though. And yes, stupid criminal for sure. There’s probably a text of him in his worn-out, grayed, Fruit-of-the-Looms floating around cyberspace as well. Never understood that “flirt” technique either.

    1. Stacy Dymalski

      Yes, it’s hard to tell what anyone would do in any given situation until it happens. I’ve surprised myself many times by either doing something I wouldn’t have thought I would’ve done OR not doing something that I would’ve thought I would’ve done. (Does that make sense?) Nothing shocks me anymore. I know that sounds cynical, but I think it’s just part of getting older. I prefer to think of it as being realistic. ;-)

  3. Silent Kim

    Love the idea of setting the cheat up. Rolling on the floor funny!

    1. Stacy Dymalski

      I know, right? There would some sense of closure there. Plus, it could be the pilot episode for a new reality show: “Meet the Cheaters”. We introduce a new philandering spouse every week submitted by their fed-up other halves. (I think I’m on to something here.)

  4. grownandflown

    Your posts always make me laugh – thanks for the good humor and humanity you bring to your writing.

  5. Lipstick and Playdates

    Love the name you came up with — Trixie Swan — and the way you’d trap your husband.

    Truthfully, a married guy on a dating site doesn’t surprise me the least bit. In my dilating history, I’ve crossed paths with lots of married men. My attitude now: “Married until proven otherwise.”

  6. Lynn

    Hot. Monkey. Sex.

    Another great post and a much needed laugh!

  7. Sandra

    I had to like this one, if only because the European beauty in the end turns out to be German, of all nationalities!
    At least I feel safe from anything like this ever happening to me. The perks of a damaged goods husband who wa cheated on by his first wife :-)

  8. Lisa Tognola

    I am NOT going to take any chances! I will not order pizza again. ;)

  9. Mom

    Are you kidding… I would have convinced the cheater to undress completely before documenting with a video, photos, etc. Fight fire with fire!

  10. Dee Macaluso

    I agree with ‘Mom’. In flagrante delicto, posted on youtube.

    I plan on always being there for you, Stacy. Till we’re old farts in our commune.

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