«

»

Jul 26

What’s the Deal With Mommy Porn?

Back in the day many mid 20th-century moms satisfied their unrequited needs (be they emotional, physical, or intellectual) by supplementing their daily intake with alcohol and pills. Today we have mommy porn, which admittedly is a lot cheaper and easier on your liver.

magic mike 300x175 What’s the Deal With Mommy Porn?

Mommy porn eye candy

Case in point, last week a girlfriend and I went to see the new movie Magic Mike. The theatre was packed all the way down to the first row. And of all those people, I only counted three men. These brave guys were older and appeared to be the husbands of the women they were with. (I’m sure they were there by either threat or promise of something big later.) In fact, all the women in the audience were well over 35. A phenomenon I hadn’t seen since The Bridges of Madison County packed them in only to make every woman in American think that just maybe she married the wrong guy.

The reason for such a skewed demographic became apparent in the first 60 seconds of Magic Mike. I hadn’t even staked my claim to the armrests yet, when Channing Tatum strode across the screen in all his naked glory, looking like the poster boy for either Gold’s Gym or Photoshop. To say he was “just okay” is like saying the Victoria’s Secret catalogue is just a bunch of soccer moms dressed up for Halloween.

Seriously, you could’ve sharpened your garden tools on this guy’s abs, and cracked thunder eggs in his ass, he was so chiseled.

50 shades of grey 300x293 What’s the Deal With Mommy Porn?

Not exactly high art, but mommy porn at its best

Now I know what you’re thinking; just another stupid chick flick. But au contraire, this was unadulterated middle-aged mommy porn. This movie has one goal and that’s to get the June Cleavers of the world to truly Leave It to Beaver when it comes to sparking some well-deserved happiness—even if it means picturing Matthew McConaughey in ass-less chaps as a stand-in for the guy you married.

Mommy Porn Goes Literary

Then we have the 50 Shades of Grey phenomenon. For those of you who don’t get out much, it’s a book trilogy that makes us all realize the suburban mom sex life is the equivalent of a tuna noodle casserole. Yes, it may provide sustenance, but it doesn’t exactly set your taste buds on fire. However on the plus side, you can make it on a moment’s notice out of things you always have on hand and it’s easy to clean up.

Not to give anything away, but the sex scenes in 50 Shades of Grey are not exactly of the PTA variety, unless your PTA supports S & M High. That’s not to say that all middle-aged women want to get into S & M, however, reading about such bedroom antics apparently has lit a fire in middle America moms that we didn’t even realize was there, as pointed out in a hilarious Mother’s Day skit on Saturday Night Live (see it at the end of this post).

Quality Mommy Porn

Yes, I’m all for mommy porn, since I like fantasies as much as the next red-blooded American mom. So if mommy porn is a new phase in pop-culture, then I’m poised to reap the benefits. However, as tantalizing as mommy porn might be, for me it’s not the ultimate turn-on. I have to say nothing gets my juices flowing like a guy who knows how to fix everything from my car to my dishwasher to my watch (yes, I still wear a watch), and REALLY know what he’s doing. You know what they say, If we don’t find you handsome, we’d better find you handy. Although personally I prefer handsome AND handy.

And well-read. Because a little intellectual intercourse is just as hot as the regular kind. So any guy who knows who Kurt Vonnegut is and can discuss the political significance of Billy Pilgrim’s time traveling journey in Slaughterhouse-Five WHILE beating the pants off me in Scrabble because he knows what to do with his Q’s, has just made it to first base without even realizing it. (Second base comes when he installs new canister lighting without electrocuting himself.)

So in Magic Mike 2 I’d like to see Matthew McConaughey snake my drain while dancing in the buff to It’s Raining Men, and Christian Grey (in the next installment of 50 Shades of Grey) passionately discuss the pros and cons of health care reform while rubbing my feet.

Now THAT’s mommy porn.

_____________________________________________________________________________________

Did you like this post? If so, please click on the banner below to vote for me as a Top Mommy Blogger on TopMommyBlogger.com. I don’t win anything except a higher search engine ranking, plus bragging rights to my kids that I’m not as dorky as they think. (Okay, well maybe I am that dorky, but at least I’ll be easier to find on the Web.)

tmb 468x60 slow What’s the Deal With Mommy Porn?

Stacy Dymalski is a stand-up comic who gave up the glamorous life of coach travel, smokey comedy clubs, and heckling drunks for the glamourous life of raising kids (who happen to be bigger hecklers than the drunks). This blog is her new stage.

For more of Stacy’s comedy check out her hilarious book Confessions of a Band Geek Mom available in paperback and on Kindle on Amazon.com.

21 comments

1 ping

Skip to comment form

  1. Dee Macaluso

    Great. Now I’m all worked up and I have to wait for Bob to get home to change the light in the fridge (it doesn’t take much for me).

    1. Annette Velarde

      I’m with you Dee … there’s just something about Bob in his tool belt!

    2. Stacy Dymalski

      Why you’re waiting, Dee, you could always sabotage a few things around the house so he has to do some extra “fixing” for you. Consider it foreplay.

      1. Stacy Dymalski

        Annette, I’m guessin’ Dee likes the way Bob handles a screwdriver. ;-)

  2. Billie

    That was so funny! I have passed it on already!!!!!!

    1. Stacy Dymalski

      Thanks, Billie! Since you’re the one I saw “Magic Mike” with I thought you’d like this post. ;-)

  3. Lynn

    Hilarious! I’m usually down for whatever as long as the dishes are done (correctly) after I cook. I might want to step my game up.

    1. Stacy Dymalski

      I’m with you on the dishes thing, Lynn. Nothing worse than getting up the next day to a big mess in the kitchen. Kind of deflates anything special that went on the night before.

  4. siouxsiel

    I <3 Kurt Vonnegut. Breakfast of Champions! The 50 Shades of Gray phenom is strange. I probably will never read the book, but I think it is a good sign that it is so mainstream.

    1. Stacy Dymalski

      Yes, you’re right, Siouxsie. To have “Slaughterhouse-Five” and “50 Shades of Grey” in the same blog is ironic, but I did it in the name of humor (and to make a point). And I agree, that it is a milestone of sorts that a book like “50 Shades of Grey” can hit the mainstream market and do so well. We can thank the discreteness of e-readers for that.

  5. Zelrick

    Hmmm…. Case of light bulbs $ jewelry $$$$$

    I’m thinkin’ I need to be replacing more light bulbs and buying less jewelry since the effect seems the same.

    1. Stacy Dymalski

      Personally, Zelrick, for me light bulbs trump jewelry every time. Jewelry is nice, but being able to say “Honey, the bathroom sink is stopped up,” and then an hour later it drains like new again, is golden! My gratitude for repairs is so much more “appreciative” than my gratitude for bling. ;-)

  6. Doug

    Of course, there’s always Louis Vuitton as a backup to mommy porn. There’s nothing that warms the cockles of one’s heart more (what the hell is a cockle anyway?) than witnessing that joyful kiss the lady plants on her benevolent male companion… the telltale sign of a purchase from the heart. *sigh* One can only imagine the reward he will get later. Right. Uh huh.
    Upon entering the store with his somewhat weathered female companion a gentleman near my age paused next to me and we watched together as the love of his life made a beeline for the handbags. “I hate coming here.”, he mumbled.
    “I know what you mean, sir.”, I retorted. “But think of this as foreplay… for that ‘big screen TV’. That might help, sir.”
    “You’re right. There are some things better than sex.”
    I replied back, “Well, sir, the satisfaction lasts a little longer, there are no limits to the fantasies it can provide, and it has an off button……. which you can control from the comfort of your recliner.”
    He smiled and said, “You’re absolutely right.”
    “Kinda puts a value added feature to that handbag she’s wearing in front of that mirror, doesn’t it?”, I observed.
    The gentleman turned to me and asked, “Is there an eletronics store in this mall?”

    1. Phillip

      Good. Pretty good! Phil

    2. Stacy Dymalski

      LOL, Doug. Thanks for sharing the exchange between you and the gentleman customer at Louis Vuitton. It is funny how a woman loves her man to go shopping with her, even if she knows he hates shopping. The mere fact that he’ll do it anyway is a complete turn-on, whether he buys her anything or not. However, I will admit that it’s always a treat for the lady if she gets a little bauble out of the day that he paid for. I mean, come on, who doesn’t like getting gifts, right? But the real gift is that he went shopping with her and pretended to like it.

      P.S. Did you tell him where the nearest electronics store was? And do you think they went? ;-)

  7. Phillip

    Dear Stacy, I inherited some watchmaker’s tools from a guy who built inertial guidance systems.
    Do you have a old watch you might like to drop till it stops? No Guarantees!

    I thought that I might pick up some insight into the minds of the female gender while following your blog, but I guess it must be like four years in college. It seems like it is a nugget at a time.

    eggsuckingpup aka ‘watch-pup’

    1. Stacy Dymalski

      Hey Phillip! Repairing watches is a great way to start a relationship with a woman. The trick these days, however, is to find a woman who actually wears a watch! I still do, but my watch is working just fine right now. But thanks for the offer.

      I hope you do pick up some insights into the mind of the female from me. The problem is I’m not your typical female. I’m a little quirky and off-beat, so anything you learn from me may not help with mainstream women. However, if you’re looking to impress nut jobs, then I’m your teacher for sure.

      1. Doug

        My girlfriend agreed with you about the it’s-a-turn-on-when-he-goes-with-me-to-somewhere-he-hates-to-go thing… and receiving baubles at his expense. But this begs the question… and the guy gets what in return for all this benevolence? Wait… dare I imagine it’s the promise of something physical in the future? Oh dear… you mean, you ladies are using sex (or the promise of) for material gain? Is there not a word for that somewhere?
        Methinks you ladies doth have the wrong idea. We (men) have already surrendered to the idea that sex costs money… whether it’s in a loving relationship or something more street-casual. Hence the barter currency for catering to your vanity whims is also material for us as well… like that big screen TV, that on any other day of the week you’d complain about not needing. But if you really want to pay a guy back for buying you a piece of cowhide heaven then give him something truly valuable…. peace and quiet from all interuptions, forgeign and domestic, during the Super Bowl or Monday Night Football. This would include, but not limited to, talking in the background, walking in front of the TV to water the plants, and banging things to gain attention.

        I do not know if that fellow ever found the electronics store I sent him to.. but hope springs eternal that he did find his electronic nirvana and now lives happily ever after dreaming about the next size up big screen TV. After all, it’s all about size.

      2. Phillip

        Dear Stacy, Quirky? Off-Beat? Nut Jobs? What kind of percentages are we talking here? Phillip

  8. Terri @ The Laughing Mom

    I’m all for your idea of Quality Mommy Porn. I don’t think that most men know that’s it’s just that easy to please us by just knocking off the “honey do” list. I think I’ll call mine the “Honey, do the list and I’ll do you”. I’ll let you know if it works.

  9. Stacy Dymalski

    I love your “Honey, do the list and then I’ll do you” quote! Spot on, Terri! What more do guys need to know about women, right? A nice dinner out, or a thoughtful little trinket on your birthday or anniversary is nice, but as I said, nothing beats a guy who can get things done around the house. That tool belt goes a long way. ;-)

  1. Bad Mom Confessions « 3kids2cats1divorce

    […] What’s the Deal With Mommy Porn? (nonsensetomomsense.com) Share this:TwitterFacebookLike this:LikeBe the first to like this. […]

Leave a Reply

Follow

Get every new post delivered to your Inbox

Join other followers:

%d bloggers like this: