Thankful NOT to see this in any of your rearview mirrors
Over the long holiday weekend I tried to get caught up on all the blogs I follow. In doing so, I read one that I loved so much I just had to rip off the entire concept by posting a similar blog of my own. It’s from a consistently hysterical mommy blog called Jenny from the Blog at The Suburban Jungle. If you don’t follow it you should. The blog tagline says it all: Jenny from the Blog is like comedy crack, but more addictive and less wacked.
Anyway, Jenny posted a Thanksgiving Day blog called 16 Things I’m Ashamed to Admit I’m Thankful For. Her justification for such an unconventional list is that it should go without saying that we’re all thankful for family, friends, healthy kids, a nice home, and a Starbucks on every corner. Therefore, why be trite when being honest is much more interesting? Come on, people, you know as well as I do we all breath a sigh of relief when that police car with the flashing red lights in your rearview mirror suddenly zips by and unexpectedly pulls over the guy in front of you. That’s the kind of thing you’re really thankful for…especially if you’ve just come from a holiday party where the signature drink was something that resembles a Long Island Iced Tea dressed up in Christmas drag.
My Crazy Thankful List
So even though Thanksgiving was last week (yes, I’m late, as usual), here is my own list of 16 things I’m ashamed to admit I’m thankful for.
- I’m thankful for shape wear, so I look like I have the body I should’ve been born with…at least when I have clothes on.
- I’m thankful for caller ID. If I really don’t want to talk to you, I shouldn’t have to. (No offense.)
- I’m thankful for cute shoes that actually fit, because when my feet hurt I am such a bitch.
- I’m thankful for Hulu, Netflix online, and Amazon Prime. Last I checked the First Amendment says I can watch whatever I want on TV, especially if the FCC has already approved it. But not if you live in Utah. The Salt Lake City NBC affiliate has banned the new TV show The New Normal for being what the affiliate considers “inappropriate programming.” But I can still watch it on Hulu Plus. And I do.
- I’m thankful I dumped my cable/satellite subscription, thus saving me over $1,000 a year. And I get to watch all the “inappropriate programming” I want.
- I’m thankful for that first sip of my morning latte. Yes, coffee is my drug of choice, and to feed my addiction I have a big, beautiful latte machine. Think of it as my unnecessary, midlife crisis motorcycle…except it costs thousands of dollars less and I can’t accidentally kill myself on it.
- I’m thankful for my big-ass, multi-horse powered snow blower. Without that baby you wouldn’t see me between November and April, because I’d never be able to leave the house (which happens to be planted at 6,900 feet above sea level).
- I’m thankful my teenagers will still occasionally watch TV with me, even if it’s only when all their friends are busy.
- I’m thankful those same teenagers still want to do the chocolate Advent calendars every December, even though they (the teenagers, not the calendars) tower over six feet tall and are in high school.
- I’m thankful my frontload washer has hand wash and dry clean settings, so I don’t have throw away my hand washables and dry cleaning after they get dirty.
- I’m thankful for my e-reader (in my case, a Kindle) so that my brain doesn’t go numb if I get stuck in some boring, bureaucratic black hole like the DMV…or church.
- I’m thankful I have a job that I can do in my underwear, but doesn’t involve cheesy music or skanky businessmen stuffing dollar bills down my G-string.
- I’m thankful I don’t own a G-string. At my age wearing one just looks like you’re trying to hold two lumpy loaves of bread together with a couple of ill-placed rubber bands. (Come on, ladies, let’s get real.)
- I’m thankful for Costco, because who knew boys could eat so much cereal?
- I’m thankful Trey Parker and Matt Stone produced The Book of Mormon, because now the entire nation gets my Mormon jokes.
- And finally, I’m thankful for my electric blanket. It keeps me warm at night without snoring like a drunken grizzly bear or leaving the toilet seat up.
…and after. Wow, it’s THAT good!
Before shape wear…
Mine even comes with a baby cycle
That’s my dirty laundry. What are your guilty pleasures that keep you going in life?
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Stacy Dymalski is an award winning keynote speaker and stand-up comic who gave up the glamorous life of coach travel, smokey comedy clubs, and heckling drunks for the glamourous life of raising kids (who happen to be bigger hecklers than the drunks). This blog is her new stage.
For more of Stacy’s comedy check out her hilarious book Confessions of a Band Geek Mom available in paperback and on Kindle on Amazon.com.
19 comments
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Linda Galindo
November 27, 2012 at 11:49 am (UTC -6) Link to this comment
Am I learning, for the first time…that you go to church? OK, enough about you.
I am thankful that I live a healthy distance away from my “nice to visit, but wouldn’t want to live there” family.
Stacy Dymalski
November 27, 2012 at 2:19 pm (UTC -6) Link to this comment
No, Linda, I don’t go to church. However, once in a while I get stuck in church, like at a wedding, funeral or christening. Even in those case I tend to nod off if I don’t have something to do. Thank god for the Kindle.
creatorofstuff
November 27, 2012 at 1:30 pm (UTC -6) Link to this comment
I’m still stuck being flabbergasted about Utah banning “The New Normal”. Really? What about “Glee”? “Ellen”? And really just about every other show on T.V. these days.
Oh and I’m thankful for my dog, who, unlike anyone else in my family, worships me like a goddess and believes that I have no flaws.
Stacy Dymalski
November 27, 2012 at 2:24 pm (UTC -6) Link to this comment
I know, can you believe it? “The New Normal” is one of my favorite new shows on TV. I think it’s brilliant! And if it weren’t for Hulu Plus I wouldn’t be able to watch it on my TV in my very own living room!
And as for Boomer (your dog), he’s right. You have no flaws. In fact, I dare say he’s the only one in your family with proper taste in human character!
Hillary Kane
November 27, 2012 at 3:26 pm (UTC -6) Link to this comment
Uh 0h… you may have just provided the Utah censorship committee [or whatever they are called] a “to do” list…
Stacy Dymalski
November 27, 2012 at 3:39 pm (UTC -6) Link to this comment
As long as the “inappropriate programming” sneaks past the Utah morality police on the Internet, there’s not a lot the suits on Capitol Hill can do about it. Gotta love the Internet!
Phillip
November 27, 2012 at 2:51 pm (UTC -6) Link to this comment
ONLY A DOLLAR?
Stacy Dymalski
November 27, 2012 at 3:35 pm (UTC -6) Link to this comment
As you can see , Phillip, I run with a cheap crowd. For $1,000 bills I might be tempted to buy a G-string. However, I’m not as limber as I used to be, so that pole dancing crap will never work. Why can’t skanky business men just hand you $1,000 bills like civilized creatures and just be done with it? Oh, and I’m not into lap dances, either. See? Already I’m a failure as an “exotic dancer” at any price.
Grown and Flown
November 27, 2012 at 4:47 pm (UTC -6) Link to this comment
Great list, really great. I too am insanely grateful when they teens hang out with us (silver lining of the hurricane if there can be one) even though I too know its because their friends are busy…
Stacy Dymalski
November 28, 2012 at 12:00 pm (UTC -6) Link to this comment
The other thing I didn’t mention that I’m thankful for in the blog (in terms of kids) is going on a road trip with my sons. Now that they’re older they’re actually fun to travel with, but more importantly we’re trapped in a car together for hours and eventually they talk to me with some level of depth, which is cool. It takes about 50 miles for them to warm up to the idea of talking, so it has to be a long trip.
JennyFromTheBlog
November 27, 2012 at 7:00 pm (UTC -6) Link to this comment
I’m thankful you mentioned that Jenny From the Blog chick she’s an absolute riot!
Happy Holidays!
Stacy Dymalski
November 28, 2012 at 12:01 pm (UTC -6) Link to this comment
Jenny is one funny chick which is why I follow her blog and recommend everyone else do so, as well! Thanks for the laughs.
JennyFromTheBlog
November 28, 2012 at 9:41 pm (UTC -6) Link to this comment
Anytime… You’re a riot yourself!!! xo
mhpc
November 28, 2012 at 10:57 am (UTC -6) Link to this comment
So very, very thankful for my husband when he drives the kids to school. It is such a damn, unpredictable cluster in this house getting 3 elementary school aged kids out the door. Routine be damned, they find a way to F up the morning and make me yell even when I have every intention of being nice!
Stacy Dymalski
November 28, 2012 at 12:03 pm (UTC -6) Link to this comment
I know what you mean. When they’re finally out the door for good in the morning, that first minute of silence is golden. You can actually exhale for the first time in the day, even though you’ve been up for hours by then. Yeah, having a hubby is that drives the kids to school is a great thing to be thankful for.
Karen
November 28, 2012 at 11:11 pm (UTC -6) Link to this comment
I’m thankful that, even though there’s a Starbucks on every corner, there are still some independent, real coffee shops around (e.g. SL Roasting Company) where you can strike up a conversation with a total stranger and find out that she is actually a unique and interesting person and not just some run-of-the-mill hipster coffee snob.
Hi there, I finally found the time to look up your blog!
Hope your son did well on his ACTs, mine did that annoying thing where he did way better on math and science, but enough worse on English and reading that he ended up with a one point lower composite than last time. Grrrrr… He just can’t seem to get it all together on one test!
Stacy Dymalski
November 29, 2012 at 1:18 pm (UTC -6) Link to this comment
Hey there, Karen, so great to hear from you! Yes, you and your husband definitely made my morning more enjoyable that Saturday at SL Coffee Roasting Company while we waited for our kids to take the ACT at the U of U. Like your son, mine didn’t quite shine through to the best of his ability this time, so he’s taking it again. Which means giving up another Saturday morning of sleeping in some time in the near future.
Thanks for looking up my blog. I hope you decide to follow it because it’s a great way to keep in touch. Plus, I hope you get a good giggle out of our crazy family like, which I KNOW you can relate to.
Hope to see you around next time you’re in SL. In the mean time, take care!
Lady Googoogaga
November 29, 2012 at 9:02 pm (UTC -6) Link to this comment
Oohhh I love #9……I hope my two boys do that when they are older…..and I am very jealous of #10 because I have a lot of clothing that goes in the garbage due to the fact that they are too “delicate” to last in my household…….
Sandra Parsons
December 3, 2012 at 6:17 am (UTC -6) Link to this comment
I am thankful that my 83-year old, senile and deaf grandmother is one generation farther from me than from my mom, so I am expected to call her only once a week or so, as opposed to my mom who gets the pleasure every other day. Did I mention my grandmother is darn near deaf, so talking on the phone is quite the comedy.
I am also thankful that my 6-weeks old little monkey, while he may refuse to let me get some real sleep at night, sometimes makes good by napping for hours during the day so I get to catch up on reading some of my favourite blogs.
Life’s good.