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Sep 27

Stick Families on Cars Really Do Exist! (Honest!)

BumperStickerCar 300x271 Stick Families on Cars Really Do Exist! (Honest!)

Yeah, I really don’t care that “your kid loves hockey” or that “bowling is up your alley.”

A while back I wrote a hysterical (if I do say so myself) post about people who put those crazy family decals on the back of their cars. You know the ones — stick families that adorn the ass-end of the family truckster depicting everyone who shares your DNA, from Grandma to that weird uncle who has gross mismatched-Lego-looking teeth. (Even though he works for the local sanitation company and has a dental plan to die for.)

The post was called Bonehead Onboard (read it, you’ll laugh so much the guy next to you on the bus will tweet about how annoying you are), and was about a family SUV with a bumper sticker that read, “My son is a super duper pooper!” And as if that wasn’t enough, there were two teenage boys in the car, along with their granola, crunchy-looking parents. I felt like tossing those poor kids a twenty and saying “Here’s a contribution toward your future therapy. In the mean time, please don’t go all “road rage” on us.”

After that post permeated the blogosphere, people wrote to me asking if I really saw all those weird stick families pasted on cars. Yes, people, I really saw them. And I continue to see them. That’s because I live in Utah, where the average age in the whole state is 17 because everyone here procreates faster than hamsters in heat. (Well, not everyone. I only have two kids, which officially makes me celibate, according to the Utah Legislature.)

Utahans love to advertise their family devotion by literally putting a “kid tally” on the back of their SUVs or minivans. Seldom do you see stick families dancing around the tail lights of a Miata or Mercedes convertible. But stick families on the hind end of a gas-guzzler that seats seven? Well, that’s practically a religion here…and believe me, we know religion in Utah.

So just to show you I’m not making this stuff up, here are some new stick families I’ve recently found hitching rides on the highways and biways of the Bee Hive State.

Stick Families Go Green

I was sitting in traffic in American Fork when I noticed two little green stick people with yellow faces on the SUV in front of me. Upon closer inspection I realized these were either Ducks fans giving a shout-out to University of Oregon or the driver was advertising how a person looks after drinking too much tequila. Either way, what’s with the connect-the-dots hands? Last I checked students at U of O had fingers and opposable thumbs. How the heck do you think they’re able to drink all that tequila?

IMG 0926 225x300 Stick Families on Cars Really Do Exist! (Honest!)

Is everyone who goes to U of O this jaundiced? I know it rains a lot up there, but seriously?

In This One Only Moms Go Green

Yes, Moms occasionally do go green, especially when they finally have the courage to enter their teenage sons’ messy rooms. Although there are no stick families on this car, I thought the numbers on the left were oddly random. They’re either some sort of athletic team scores from Lehi High School (note the little purple mascot dude in the lower right corner) or they denote the average number of trips to Costco this mom made per week over the last three years.

Stick families 2 300x225 Stick Families on Cars Really Do Exist! (Honest!)

If this mom has gone green then why the heck is she driving this gas guzzler?

Excuse Me?

I don’t even know what the hell this is supposed to be.

Stick families 3 300x225 Stick Families on Cars Really Do Exist! (Honest!)

Maybe she’s elated that her divorce is final…?

Stick families 4 225x300 Stick Families on Cars Really Do Exist! (Honest!)

Up close and personal, just in case you didn’t get the full effect

Only in Utah

This raises stick families to new heights. At least in Utah. Because only in Utah will you find stick families with pregnant moms and grown children old enough to be the parents of their younger siblings (as shown here).

Ironically, when this car pulled away from me in traffic I saw a Planned Parenthood sticker glued to its bumper. I almost caused a three car pile-up trying to snap a picture. But I missed it. Either the owner of this car had raised so many kids she finally realized the importance of birth control, or some mischievous prankster slapped it on there for her. Probably someone who was the oldest of 12, and still hasn’t gotten over the fact that they A) never had their own room and B) always had to babysit the sibs on Saturday nights.

Stick families 5 300x200 Stick Families on Cars Really Do Exist! (Honest!)

Eventually that back window will be covered with stick kids

Stick Families on Bumpers vs. Tattoos

I’ve come to the conclusion that the bumper sticker (especially ones with stick families) is the new tattoo. But not quite as committed. It’s the perfect alternative if you feel the need to express yourself in public, but don’t want to:

  1. Risk a staph infection from a tattoo needle.
  2. Laser the darn thing off after saggy, middle-aged skin makes it look like a box of Crayola Crayons that were left in the sun too long.
  3. Explain to all the Romney supporters in your family why you have “Yes we can!” emblazoned across your back as you walk down the aisle in a halter dress at your sister’s wedding.

But that’s okay with me. Go ahead, Utahans, and keep inking up your cars like they were the lead singers in latest guest indie band on Saturday Night Live that we’ve never heard of. I’m always looking for new ways to entertain myself in traffic. And reading your cars’ patooties at a red light is way safer than watching YouTube videos.

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Stacy Dymalski is an award winning keynote speaker and stand-up comic who gave up the glamorous life of coach travel, smokey comedy clubs, and heckling drunks for the glamourous life of raising kids (who happen to be bigger hecklers than the drunks). This blog is her new stage.

For more of Stacy’s comedy check out her hilarious book Confessions of a Band Geek Mom available in paperback and on Kindle on Amazon.com.

9 comments

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  1. Dee Macaluso

    They shouldn’t make bumper stickers so permanent. What if you change your mind?

    1. Stacy Dymalski

      Then you buy a new car. After all, we’re made of money, right? ;-)

  2. Mom

    Haven’t I taught you to never reveal on your car what you are all about? It’s a sure way to get your car ‘keyed’.

    1. Stacy Dymalski

      I never have put bumper stickers or decals on my car. It’s all these other wing nuts. I ALWAYS do what I’m told, Mom. :-)

  3. Phillip

    Dear Stacy, I have been thinking of having my own little stick family in the back window of my very old and not even classic Dodge Wagon (1964). The color of smog and speckled with rust; I never wash anything but the windows. People always let me go first at the light. Mom, Pop and Mom’s half-brother Cletus, by the mail lady, will be first on the window. Twins run in the family and some say it just freakish how many twins Mom has had. Some have made the dangerous comment that the twins look more like Cletus than Pop. There are a whole passel of children. I think about forty with help from Cletus. Maybe even a few more that are sort of foster kids that Cletus had with him when he moved into the garage. One thing though; these are nice people! Help you change a tire, give you a beer and a chicken wing if you pass by their compound. You couldn’t ask for better neighbors.

    Stacy, maybe you would like to meet Cletus. He seems to be quite the ladies man and I heard that he was looking for a thinnish friend who liked to try new things. Cletus likes sushi and I bet if you were to just hint a bit that it would pay off. Perhaps in twins?

    Always thinking of your welfare (and not the check), Phillip

    1. Stacy Dymalski

      Gosh, Phillip, thanks for the offer to introduce me to Cletus, but I’m afraid I’m going to have to pass. My personal life is in a bit of a turmoil right now, so I wouldn’t be good company for anyone as worldly as Cletus. Besides, a payoff of twins is like being invited to dine al fresco with a bunch of angry hornets. You spend so much time waving off the hornets, and telling them to shut up, that you can’t eat in peace…for at least 18 years. I’ll pass. But thanks for thinking of me!

  4. LInda G.

    I’m the one driving around Park City with the HANG UP AND DRIVE bumper sticker at eye level to the driver behind me just in case the reminder is needed so that they can continue to live to procreate and adorn their car with those gawdawful stick figures…. or more importantly …not kill me so that I can enjoy my grandchildren one day. If anyone wants one of my HANG UP AND DRIVE bumper stickers (Stacy, you know you do)…I’m right here.

  5. Samantha Bangayan

    Haha! I had never thought of bumper stickers like tattoos. =) In that case… I’m up for expressing myself that way. =) I’ve got to get my parents on this. Maybe I’ll make the stickers myself!

  6. Bicycle Bill

    The “13.1″ and “26.2″ refers to the distance of a half-marathon and full marathon race (13.1 miles and 26.2 miles respectively).  The “70.3″ refers to the distance of a half-Ironman triathlon (1.2 miles swimming/56.0 miles bicycling/13.1 miles running).

    So this mom is apparently the parent of a very fit individual or one huge jockess herself.

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