A while back I wrote a hysterical (if I do say so myself) post about people who put those crazy family decals on the back of their cars. You know the ones — stick families that adorn the ass-end of the family truckster depicting everyone who shares your DNA, from Grandma to that weird uncle who has gross mismatched-Lego-looking teeth. (Even though he works for the local sanitation company and has a dental plan to die for.)
The post was called Bonehead Onboard (read it, you’ll laugh so much the guy next to you on the bus will tweet about how annoying you are), and was about a family SUV with a bumper sticker that read, “My son is a super duper pooper!” And as if that wasn’t enough, there were two teenage boys in the car, along with their granola, crunchy-looking parents. I felt like tossing those poor kids a twenty and saying “Here’s a contribution toward your future therapy. In the mean time, please don’t go all “road rage” on us.”
After that post permeated the blogosphere, people wrote to me asking if I really saw all those weird stick families pasted on cars. Yes, people, I really saw them. And I continue to see them. That’s because I live in Utah, where the average age in the whole state is 17 because everyone here procreates faster than hamsters in heat. (Well, not everyone. I only have two kids, which officially makes me celibate, according to the Utah Legislature.)
Utahans love to advertise their family devotion by literally putting a “kid tally” on the back of their SUVs or minivans. Seldom do you see stick families dancing around the tail lights of a Miata or Mercedes convertible. But stick families on the hind end of a gas-guzzler that seats seven? Well, that’s practically a religion here…and believe me, we know religion in Utah.
So just to show you I’m not making this stuff up, here are some new stick families I’ve recently found hitching rides on the highways and biways of the Bee Hive State.
Stick Families Go Green
I was sitting in traffic in American Fork when I noticed two little green stick people with yellow faces on the SUV in front of me. Upon closer inspection I realized these were either Ducks fans giving a shout-out to University of Oregon or the driver was advertising how a person looks after drinking too much tequila. Either way, what’s with the connect-the-dots hands? Last I checked students at U of O had fingers and opposable thumbs. How the heck do you think they’re able to drink all that tequila?
In This One Only Moms Go Green
Yes, Moms occasionally do go green, especially when they finally have the courage to enter their teenage sons’ messy rooms. Although there are no stick families on this car, I thought the numbers on the left were oddly random. They’re either some sort of athletic team scores from Lehi High School (note the little purple mascot dude in the lower right corner) or they denote the average number of trips to Costco this mom made per week over the last three years.
I don’t even know what the hell this is supposed to be.
Only in Utah
This raises stick families to new heights. At least in Utah. Because only in Utah will you find stick families with pregnant moms and grown children old enough to be the parents of their younger siblings (as shown here).
Ironically, when this car pulled away from me in traffic I saw a Planned Parenthood sticker glued to its bumper. I almost caused a three car pile-up trying to snap a picture. But I missed it. Either the owner of this car had raised so many kids she finally realized the importance of birth control, or some mischievous prankster slapped it on there for her. Probably someone who was the oldest of 12, and still hasn’t gotten over the fact that they A) never had their own room and B) always had to babysit the sibs on Saturday nights.
Stick Families on Bumpers vs. Tattoos
I’ve come to the conclusion that the bumper sticker (especially ones with stick families) is the new tattoo. But not quite as committed. It’s the perfect alternative if you feel the need to express yourself in public, but don’t want to:
- Risk a staph infection from a tattoo needle.
- Laser the darn thing off after saggy, middle-aged skin makes it look like a box of Crayola Crayons that were left in the sun too long.
- Explain to all the Romney supporters in your family why you have “Yes we can!” emblazoned across your back as you walk down the aisle in a halter dress at your sister’s wedding.
But that’s okay with me. Go ahead, Utahans, and keep inking up your cars like they were the lead singers in latest guest indie band on Saturday Night Live that we’ve never heard of. I’m always looking for new ways to entertain myself in traffic. And reading your cars’ patooties at a red light is way safer than watching YouTube videos.
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Stacy Dymalski is an award winning keynote speaker and stand-up comic who gave up the glamorous life of coach travel, smokey comedy clubs, and heckling drunks for the glamourous life of raising kids (who happen to be bigger hecklers than the drunks). This blog is her new stage.
For more of Stacy’s comedy check out her hilarious book Confessions of a Band Geek Mom available in paperback and on Kindle on Amazon.com.