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Aug 08

Mormon Jokes Made Easy (and at Home)

Guess how they got that Mars rover up there…

Sometimes the best politically incorrect jokes (in my case, mostly Mormon jokes because of where I live) just happen organically. As a professional comedian I consider these to be gifts from a higher being, like God…or George Burns (look it up if you’re too young to get it.)

Socially Acceptable Mormon Jokes…Among Mormons

A few weeks ago I cleaned out my cupboards for an upcoming garage sale (made 300 bucks, woo-hoo!), and I ran across a ceramic serving bowl that one of my sisters gave me for my birthday years ago. I love this little bowl and had forgotten all about it until I brought it out of hiding. It was handmade by a pottery artist in Portland, OR. I would love to give him or her credit for it, but for the life of me I can’t read the signature etched on the bottom of the bowl.

Anyway, both my sisters are as funny and as politically incorrect as I am (you should see when we get together for holiday dinners…we could charge admission), so we’re always on the lookout for quirky gifts—especially those that can cause embarrassment if used publicly at the most inopportune times.

Which brings me to one of the best Mormon jokes I’ve ever encountered, and it was completely by accident due to this bowl.

My Living Room is Where Great Comedy is Born

Being a non-Mormon living near the epicenter of Latter Day Saint country I have many wonderful friends who are Mormons. For some reason they tolerate me (maybe because I know a lot of Mormon jokes). I still get invited to all their funeral potato events, even though they know I’d rather ski a powder day on a Sunday than go to church. (Actually, skiing a powder IS my idea of church.)

One day I had some ladies over for lunch and one of the Mormon gals in the group regaled everyone with some of the best Mormon jokes I’ve ever heard. I won’t repeat them because like N-word jokes as told by African Americans, you can only get away with telling edgy Mormon jokes if you’re LDS.

As we all laughed until chardonnay came out our noses (except for the Mormon Joan Rivers), my hilarious Mormon buddy happened to look down into my cute little bowl, which had previously contained avocado dip. But the dip was gone, so you could read the writing emblazoned across the bottom of the inside of the bowl.

The Queen of Mormon Jokes picked up the bowl and said, “Oh my heck, Stacy, do you realize the artist spelled ‘LDS’ wrong?”

Here’s what this sweet, dyslexic lady saw:

There’s nothing like truth in advertising, even at a party

After I wiped the wine off my chin from my alcoholic spit-take, I realized she was serious. I didn’t have the heart to explain it to her, so I just said, “Oh well, everyone makes mistakes. I guess some people just aren’t as enlightened as others.”

Oh and BTW, if you know the name of the artist that created my bowl, please let me know. I want to get my Christmas shopping done early this year. I have a lot of LDS friends to buy for.

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Stacy Dymalski is a stand-up comic who gave up the glamorous life of coach travel, smokey comedy clubs, and heckling drunks for the glamourous life of raising kids (who happen to be bigger hecklers than the drunks). This blog is her new stage.

For more of Stacy’s comedy check out her hilarious book Confessions of a Band Geek Mom available in paperback and on Kindle on Amazon.com.

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  1. Ruth2Day

    classic! that bowl is a gem, don’t ever sell it

    1. Stacy Dymalski

      I won’t ever sell it, Ruth! In fact, I’m trying to track down the artist so I can see what else he or she has. I wasn’t kidding about getting my holiday shopping done early! ;-)

      1. Tessa

        Since I found the link to this article on the artist’s facebook page, I hope you already know by now that this is a Tom Edwards bowl?

        1. Stacy Dymalski

          Thanks for your comment, Tessa. Yes, another one of my readers sent me a message about Tom on LinkedIn and I emailed Tom about it last night. He got back to me right away confirming that it was him. I’m going to write a follow-up blog about it today. Thanks again!

  2. Doug

    One could argue that if we had more LDS there would have been far less LSD. But you gotta wonder about a religion that allowed for more than one wife in its early days. I mean, forget all that moral argument and persecution from other Christian religions… who in God’s name (hehe.. like that one?) would have wanted more than one anyway?? I’m thinking bamboo under the fingernails would be easier to bare. Maybe it’s hell on earth? I did my statistical duty and divorced the one I had. It was not a pleasant experience. The thought of extending that out many times is a tad scary. But ok.. your post was about ceramic bowls and avocado dip, not ancient Mormon history. While not a Mormon myself (or with the help of anyone else) I did participate in many Mormon funerals when I was in the death biz in a previous lifetime. While this doesn’t in the least qualify me for telling Mormon jokes.. it does qualify me to laugh at them. Which I did in this case. 

    1. Stacy Dymalski

      I totally agree with you, Doug, about the multiple spouse thing. WHO in their right mind would want more than one wife OR husband, for that matter? Relationships are hard enough without adding multiple spouses into the mix. I don’t think Joseph Smith completely thought the whole thing through when he was dictating the rules of the religion. And then there’s this: Why put yourself into a relationship situation where YOU’RE the minority? That’s all you need–having the multiple wives form a union with grieves against you. You’d never win, I don’t care how important you think you’re going to be in the afterlife.

  3. Phillip

    Dear Stacy, I think that it is very interesting how it shakes out with our “friends”. Mormons or whomever. It seems like no one is perfect and I find the best way to deal with this is to compartmentalize the issues and deeds into hermetically sealed containers placed in the memory vaults of the brain. That way we can still have our friends and they can still have us. Why does denial have such a bad reputation?

    Sincerely, Phillip

    1. Stacy Dymalski

      I agree, Phillip. Denial and I are on a first name basis. I function quite well in my own little world.

      And I love your “…hermetically sealed containers placed in the memory vaults of the brain.” I never thought of it that way, but you are 100% right. I do believe that’s how it works. My problem is that the older I get I can’t find the right container in my brain when I need it. I know it’s there, but it’s hiding somewhere and I quite often don’t have the patience to seek it out. What’s up with that?

  4. Michelle at Motley News

    LOVE that bowl!!!!

    1. Stacy Dymalski

      I know, right? I can’t believe it’s been put away for so long. I’ve used it three times this week since I rediscovered it. Now that I’ve found the artist, I really am going to buy some of his other work for select friends. You know, the ones that are just as disturbed as I am. They’re love it.

  5. Terri @ The Laughing Mom

    That’s hilarious – the bowl and your friend’s quote. Very clever.

    1. Stacy Dymalski

      That bowl is quite the conversation starter. But the thing I love about it is that the conversation doesn’t start until after the nuts and/or dip are gone!

      1. Doug

        But Stacy… if the conversation doesn’t start until all the nuts and dips are gone would you not be there conversing with only yourself??

        1. Stacy Dymalski

          I converse with myself all the time, Doug. It’s me and the voices in my head. We have a grand old time. ;-)

  6. Miriam

    I absolutely love this post. I’m Mormon, and I absolutely love this post. And somehow it doesn’t surprise me in the slightest.

    Also, thanks for checking out my blog! Glad you enjoy it!

  1. Wallyware (or Where in the World is Tom Edwards?) - Nonsense to Momsense

    […] « Mormon Jokes Made Easy (and at Home) […]

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