How You Know When A Guy’s Not Gay
We’ve all seen the infomercials for the Shake Weight. And if you haven’t, surely you’ve laughed at them when they show up in film clips on The Tonight Show With Jay Leno or The Daily Show With Jon Stewart.
But if you’ve been living in a sewer for the past couple of years and don’t have cable or Internet TV, let me bring you up to speed. A Shake Weight is a wiggly, little barbell that you grasp with both hands in front of your chest, and then pump up and down like you’re jerking off a bionic dick. The Shake Weight has a spring in it, the idea being that the torque from the jerking off action provides counterweight to the movement, thus causing muscle fatigue in your arms, chest and shoulders.
Same thing can be accomplished during foreplay, but doesn’t cost $29.99. Um, unless you’re accustomed to paying for your companionship at big box (pun intended) store, bargain basement prices.
The Shake Weight Litmus Test
Okay, now that we’re all up to speed, let me tell you that last night I drove down to Salt Lake to meet a friend for dinner. But first I stopped at Target on 300 West to pick up a few things, and sure enough, there it was on display — The infamous Shake Weight. Of course, every hayseed from Toole to Coalville who just happened to stop by had to pick up the demo Shake Weight and comically pump it like the jerk-off they just happened to be. And yes, all their good ole boy buddies were getting out their cell phone cameras and documenting this funnier-than-shit-trailer-park-comedy-club moment. Because, you know, we don’t have enough dumbass videos on the Internet demonstrating just how low an IQ can go.
As I stood there watching this train wreck (I admit, I couldn’t turn my eyes away) I couldn’t help but think, “You know, they aren’t doing it quite right.” They didn’t have the fluid up-and-down motion that a girl learns in the backseat of a car in high school and perfects into an art by age 35 at the latest.
And as if the universe was letting me know my intuition was spot on, one of the goobers got his face a little too close to the action and hit himself in the mouth with his gyrating barbell. This caused a splash of crimson to explode from his mouth as if he’d been blasted with a double-barrel shotgun. Except it wasn’t a shotgun. Tennessee Einstein had assaulted himself with a Shake Weight, right there in aisle 6 of Target.
Well, look at the bright side, I thought. At least everyone could tell by his poor handling of the phallic Shake Weight that he wasn’t gay. And I mean that as a check in the plus column for gays.
Of course his buddies kept the cameras rolling as everyone gasped in horror. But the coup de grâce didn’t come until our hero spit out a bloody tooth. Then asked rather rhetorically, “Where the hell did that come from?”
Yep. Definitely not gay. How fortunate for the ladies.
I made my purchases and left Target confident in knowing two things. One, as a woman I have a skill that obviously can’t be emulated by grown hetero men (at least safely), even if they have a device that literally walks them through the motions. Seriously, dudes, how hard can it be? Some women have it down pat by the time they graduate from college. And two, if you’re going to buy a Shake Weight, get it online. Or at least don’t get it at Target. You just don’t know where those things have been.
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Stacy Dymalski is the host of the hilarious TV talk show “Mother Bloggers” on FirstRun.tv. She’s also an award winning keynote speaker and stand-up comic who gave up the glamorous life of coach travel, smokey comedy clubs, and heckling drunks for the glamourous life of raising kids (who happen to be bigger hecklers than the drunks). This blog is her new stage.
For more of Stacy’s comedy check out her book Confessions of a Band Geek Mom available in bookstores and on Amazon in paperback and Kindle.