Bacon Grease Beauty Treatments
Okay, this tops it for me this week in the craziest things I’ve heard. A friend of mine (who shall remain nameless) says that if you add bacon grease to your bath water it helps keep your skin soft. Yes. You heard that right. Bacon grease.
I tried to write a funny Facebook post about this, but quickly realized there was too much to include for such a little snippet. This had to be an entire blog post. Why? Because the jokes practically write themselves and I didn’t want to miss a golden opportunity to give bacon baths the old Rumaki treatment (as in “skewer” them).
When I mentioned this to my friend, she warned me that bacon is really big business now days, and that a satirical blog post making fun of the health benefits of bacon might offend some folks in the bacon community.
Nuts to that, I say. Let’s get started.
Start Your Evening Off with Bacon
I can’t imagine taking a bacon bath as the prelude to an evening out, because honestly, what social events does one attend at which it’s appropriate to smell like bacon? I suppose if I were looking for the cream of the crop in terms of single men at a monster truck rally, then putting out a BLT pheromone might give me an advantage. My only serious competition would be the gals who had the foresight to wash their hair in Bud Light.
And what about your clothes? After even one bacon bath wouldn’t they start to take on the aromatic scent of cured pork? That means everywhere you go you’d smell like the lunch counter at a bowling alley. People would suddenly get uncontrollable urges to head to Wendy’s for a Baconator after standing in line with you at the grocery store checkout.
I have to admit I’m very picky about my fabric softeners and detergents because I want my sheets to smell a certain way when I crawl into bed at night. I’ve even occasionally splurged on sheet spray to trick my brain into thinking I’m sleeping on a bed of roses. However, I can’t in a million years fathom going into a place like Victoria’s Secret or Bath and Body Works and saying, “Hey, I’d like my bed to smell like the midway at the L.A. County Fair…but without that annoying hint of curly fries and deep fried Twinkies. You got anything that’s just pure bacon? Preferably in the Oscar Meyer line?”
And by the way, I can assure you that if I happen to leave my bacon-scented delicates on the floor my dog would soon be pooping out a colorful stream of lace and Lycra by day’s end. I’m sure he’d turn his nose up at Science Diet for good after that.
Bacon Products for Men
And don’t think the guys have been left out of all this. When I googled “bacon grease baths” I found out that there’s actually a bacon grease shaving cream out there for men. Don’t believe me? Check out the cool video at the end of this blog post. Yes, guys, now you can take that lovely smell of bacon fat and smear it all over your face, so that the aroma is always right there under your nose to enjoy all day long. I’m not sure if it will get you women, but you’ll definitely be a hit during the Friday night beer-drinking and belching contest at the Bakersfield Chili’s.
Oh and FYI, please gentlemen, DON’T use this product to shave your junk. Talk about a mixed signal for us women. (Strange, but now that you’ve got your clothes off I’m not horny anymore. But oddly I’m in the mood to enter a wet T-shirt contest and get a tramp stamp on my left butt cheek.) Besides if you happen to be working in your yard after lathering up your jewels in bacon grease shaving cream you don’t want your neighbor’s dog suddenly making a beeline for your, um, peonies.
Now do you see why I couldn’t contain myself to a simple Facebook post? I would’ve had a comedy stroke if I hadn’t got this out of my system.
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Stacy Dymalski is the host of the hilarious TV talk show “Mother Bloggers” on FirstRun.tv. She’s also an award winning keynote speaker and stand-up comic who gave up the glamorous life of coach travel, smokey comedy clubs, and heckling drunks for the glamourous life of raising kids (who happen to be bigger hecklers than the drunks). This blog is her new stage.
For more of Stacy’s comedy check out her book Confessions of a Band Geek Mom available in bookstores and on Amazon in paperback and Kindle.