7 Online Games That Haven’t Been Invented Yet (Part 2)
In the interest of replenishing my son’s college fund after the ill effects of the 2008 stock market crash, here is Part 2 of my get-rich-quick online social gaming ideas, sure to make me a rich woman if someone would only create them for me, but give me all the credit. (Isn’t that how it works?) For those of you who missed Part 1 of this series, these are online games that are not yet found in places like Facebook or the iPhone App Store, but should be, thanks me and my bright ideas.
- Scrapbook Rehab
- Ho Hum
- Wheel of Misfortune
We all know that certain someone who thinks everything in life is worth documenting, right down to Junior finally ditching his overnight pull-ups for big boy pants (the fact that he was 13 when it happened is news, but regardless we really don’t want to know about it). Convinced that their lives are more exciting than NASA discovering life on another planet, these keepers of unremarkable events are not above dragging out scrapbooks at the most inopportune times. I mean, honestly do I really need to look at pictures of your colonoscopy while waiting to see my son’s teacher at parent-teacher conferences? I know it’s boring standing out there in the hall while the parents before us drone on, but seriously some photography is just not Pinterest-worthy.
For these Ansel Adams wannabes, there’s Scrapbook Rehab, the game that takes players who can’t put down the scalloped edged scissors and cutesy stickers and turns them back into functioning members of society.
Level one starts with an intervention of real photographers who know how to take pictures without cutting off the tops of people’s heads. Then level two forces you to send out Christmas cards that DON’T include a collage of your summer RV road trip with a caption that reads, “Here’s me in front of the world’s biggest ball of string.” But to win you have to beat the challenge level, which includes getting through a job interview without pulling out a brag book of your kids learning how to properly use the potty.
Hardcore versions are available for grandmothers and parents of only children.
Are you a great singer in the shower, but then go melodically flat when you dry off and get dressed? And at the same time, do you want to rid our back alleys of solicitous crimes? Then Ho Hum is the game for you!
In Ho Hum you go undercover in the bowels of inner cities to capture the most musically talented streetwalkers, gigolos, petty thieves and drug dealers. Once apprehended these thugs have to join your musical singing group, which can range from anything as small and campy as the Partridge Family to as large and pompous as The Mormon Tabernacle Choir. The goal is to make your group of singing ruffians as big as possible so you can compete in the most lucrative American Idol type contests.
Each hoodlum has his or her own specialty that adds bonus points to your score. For example, streetwalkers and gigolos make the group sparkle with their awesome costumes, petty thieves know how to move so they’re great dancers, and for reasons no one wants to discuss loan sharks are first-rate motivators.
Why even bother with this game? Because the rewards are online fame, which as everyone between the ages of 14 and 32 knows is way easier to amass than a fortune based on real talent.
Been recently dumped by your girlfriend? Lose your promotion to the office jerk? Did a cop give you a ticket because the car in front of you was speeding? Well, then you need to play Wheel of Misfortune, the online game that determines retribution for those who unjustly did you wrong.
Simply create an avatar that represents your enemy and then spin the wheel to determine his or her fate. For example, if you spin “Found naked and hung over on the front lawn” then that’s your enemy’s destiny, however you have to embark upon a journey to make that happen. In this case, you could start by inviting your nemesis to join you for happy hour at a nudist colony beach bar, just when a tour bus full of blue-hairs pulls up to the outlet mall next door. Extra points if you can get your foe to pound down Long Island Ice Teas on an empty stomach.
Levels of humiliation grow with each victory. Work your way up from herpes, all the way to a flesh-eating disease. It’s a safe and cathartic way to even the score with people who think you’re about as important as lint.
This game is just like Petville, except you invent your own spouse that you can practice on (in terms of how to handle all that real-life marriage crap). For example, even if you create the perfect virtual husband, rest assured you’ll still have to spend a good portion of this game searching for the TV remote, putting the toilet seat down, and picking up dirty underwear that you swore you just washed and put away 10 minutes ago. Extra points if you can stop your hubby before he uses your white designer bath towels to wash his ‘76 Gremlin or set the kitchen on fire when he tries to make garlic bread in a toaster oven.
On the other hand if you’re a guy who still hasn’t figured out how to correctly answer “Do I look fat in these pants?” after 15 years of marriage, you’ll probably spend most of this game trying to convince your virtual wife to stop talking about how she feels, especially during the last five minutes of any major league sporting event. You will also have to constantly hunt for your stuff since it’s impossible for a Spouseville wife to NOT put things away, even if they’re not hers. And if you really want to win you’ll have to come up with answers to conundrums like why you don’t change the toilet paper roll when it runs out, even though you’re not the one who uses it, and how you were still listening even though you can’t repeat a word of what your virtual wife just said.
Every time you complete a challenge, you receive “darling dollars,” which allow you to buy items and services for your better half, such as new clothes, a makeover, therapy, even plastic surgery. (Who says there’s no such thing as the perfect spouse?)
Okay, all you gaming big wigs at Zenga, Facebook, Hasbro, Microsoft, and Apple, start beating a path to my door! Game rights go to the highest bidder. But could you hurry it up, please? I have a kid off to college next year and I really don’t want to have to rely on a craps table in Vegas to fund his education. In hindsight that plan didn’t work out too well when I was looking for a way to fund the downpayment on my first house. Live and learn.
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Stacy Dymalski is a stand-up comic who gave up the glamorous life of coach travel, smokey comedy clubs, and heckling drunks for the glamourous life of raising kids (who happen to be bigger hecklers than the drunks). This blog is her new stage.
For more of Stacy’s comedy check out her hilarious book Confessions of a Band Geek Mom available in paperback and on Kindle on Amazon.com.