Apr 15

Sassypants Design

asleep at desk 300x199 Sassypants Design

Why I’m no good at an office desk job

In my never-ending quest to avoid getting a real job, I have embarked upon yet another business venture that is fueled by my agile wit and pointed sense of humor. (Both of which have been discernible deterrents when it comes to relationships, especially those involving bosses that don’t appreciate a subordinate who graciously points out the absurd without being asked. I know, what dour ingrates, right?) Read the rest of this entry »

Apr 06

Birthday Beauty Secrets Revealed

george clooney 300x225 Birthday Beauty Secrets Revealed

Gray hair…hot

Recently I had a birthday. Birthdays, like annual mammograms, inevitably fall into the “good-news/bad-news” category. The great thing about having a birthday is that it means I’m not dead. The not-so-great thing about having a birthday is that it means I’m another year older, which if you look on the bright side circles back around to that “not-being-dead” thing.

But here’s the rub on trumping the Grim Reaper yet another year. Read the rest of this entry »

Mar 25

Making Change

Travelers at the Dallas Fort Worth International Airport 300x234 Making Change

This is my view of just about every traveler making a connecting flight

For someone who doesn’t make a living going on the road anymore, I sure have traveled a lot in the last 18 months. And with airlines cutting back, plane changes have become as common as bus stops. I’ve spent more time in airports lately waiting for connecting flights than I have at the gym. A fact I’m reminded of every time I get dressed in the morning. (Mirrored sliding closet doors? Seriously? Whose dumb idea was that?)

On one of my recent plane changes I had a layover in the Dallas/Ft. Worth airport and I stopped in for a latte at a coffee joint that shall remain nameless. However, last I checked they’d over-expanded so widely they had a shop on every planet between here and Uranus. And to pay for your overpriced universal coffee you had to use an intergalactic currency known as “star bucks.”

Anywho, I bought a latte, which came to $4.84. I paid with a $5 bill and then waited for my change, but it didn’t come. Instead the young woman helping me shut the cash drawer, craned her neck to look around me like I was blocking her view of The Pope shooting craps and yelled, “NEXT!” Read the rest of this entry »

Mar 17

Unreal Real Estate Stories

moving day 300x242 Unreal Real Estate Stories

Our stuff looked like this for the first 11 years of my life

I’ve lived in the same house for the last 19 years, which is longer than I’ve ever lived anywhere else in my entire life. When I was a kid we moved around a lot until I was 11. Between the first and fifth grades I went to four different elementary schools, which ignited my comedy career. Constantly relocating like caffeinated nomads forced me to hone my sense of humor. I wasn’t pretty, so I opted for funny in order to fit in and not get beaten to a pulp (or worse, ridiculed) just because I was the tall, skinny, bucktoothed, new girl.

But now I want to move. Read the rest of this entry »

Feb 28

Happiness 101

Happiness coffee 250x300 Happiness 101Every Tuesday morning I get up at what feels like the middle of the night and go to a 7:00 a.m. Toastmasters meeting. I know what you’re thinking. How can anyone be coherent enough at that hour to do anything other than choke down an overpriced cup of coffee christened with a pretentious Italian name?

Let me tell you, it takes some getting used to.

But the thing that helps me transition from sloth to smooth talker (and attentive listener) at “What-the-hell-am-I-doing-up”? o’clock in the morning is Read the rest of this entry »

Feb 21

Naming My Wifi is Hard Work

wifi versus pay phone 199x300 Naming My Wifi is Hard Work

What am I supposed to do with this, Mom?

After 20 years of owning the same landline phone number, I’m finally biting the bullet and getting rid of my home phone. Even though my kids and I have had cell phones for years, I hung on to that damn landline thinking it would be my saving grace if the satellites ever went out and I had to get in touch with my kids. Never mind the fact my kids wouldn’t have phones that worked, so what good would my precious landline be?

Levelheaded people pointed out the flaw in my logic several times, but I still insisted on keeping that stupid landline just in case. Because I knew in the event of an apocalypse my kids would comb the war-torn, radioactive barren landscape in search of a pay phone to call home. Provided they could figure out how to use a pay phone…which would be a challenge since it’s about as foreign to them as an 8-track tape. Read the rest of this entry »

Feb 16

Writers Jokes, or Why I Like Hanging Out With Writers

crazy writer 300x233 Writers Jokes, or Why I Like Hanging Out With Writers

Me if I haven’t had enough coffee–or too much. I can’t remember which.

Writers are a special breed. They’re often the ones quietly sitting off in a corner by themselves at a party, but ironically they’re the ones you would want to engage in conversation. They usually add intellectual Technicolor to a discussion, because in most cases they’ve spent a lifetime crafting a spectacularly vivid point of view that is so unique, their prose keeps everyone else from going crazy. Read the rest of this entry »

Feb 12

Blessed Are the Meats

1stamendment religion big 300x257 Blessed Are the Meats

Religion made easy

Okay, I’m the first to admit I was not raised with religion. Therefore to this day, I never know when to sit, stand, or kneel at Catholic weddings. I thought Kosher was a brand of pickles until I was 27. And being “sealed in the Temple” sounds (to me) like the first plot point in an Edgar Allan Poe short story.

Religion just wasn’t important to my parents and many stepparents (there’s a clue right there) when I was figuring things out during the “finding-yourself” generation of the 1970s. To be fair, the adults in my immediate tribe were underpaid (and somewhat tortured) intellectuals who were hell-bent on saving the world in one form or another. Guiding me through my wonder years I had Read the rest of this entry »

Feb 07

Valentine’s Day for Real

valentines day broken heart1 300x245 Valentines Day for Real

Let’s see, how do you put this back together again?

As a single mom, nothing is more irritating than Valentine’s Day. Actually, I take that back. Valentine’s Day was much more annoying when I was married because it was the one day when my ex and I could both count on disappointing each other. Valentine’s Day has never meant much to me, ever. So every February 14th when my dear hubby handed me a box of waxy chocolates that he frantically bought at Rite Aid at 5:00 p.m. on Valentine’s Day (and only because he noticed some chick getting verklempt over a VD card at the PO), I had to pretend like he’d just presented me with a straight version of Anderson Cooper, along with a card that said, “Go ahead and have sex with Anderson. Really. It’s fine with me.” Read the rest of this entry »

Dec 22

Hello, It’s Me (the Accident Waiting to Happen)

X ray Scotts right ankle pointer 300x162 Hello, Its Me (the Accident Waiting to Happen)

This accident was a doozy

Well, it’s been a while since I’ve blogged, but I have a very good reason for that. On two separate occasions, within a month of each other, I fell and tore (not pulled) both of my hamstrings. Oh, and I somehow messed up my shoulder in my second fall, too. So for the last two months, actually the last month in particular, I’ve been in so much pain all I’ve been capable of doing is eating, drinking, and whining. Mostly drinking and whining. Okay, mostly whining.

As I’ve mentioned in previous blogs, I tend to be accident-prone. I’ve been that way my whole life, which is why in my decades thus far on the planet I’ve broken:

Plus, I’ve cracked my skull so many times I have a permanent dent in the top of my head.

And don’t even get me started on the stitches I’ve had. Or the scars I sport in lieu of the stitches I should’ve had, but didn’t bother to get.

How did it all play out this time? Both accidents are so comically stupid, that if I made them up no one would believe me. Read the rest of this entry »

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