My Perfect Date: SWM With a Strong Stomach and an Ironic Sense of Humor

Being divorced for almost a year now, I’ve been asked by more than one online dating website to try out their services for free and then document the resulting zany adventures on my blog. I’ve yet to take advantage of these anomalous, yet generous, offers. Not because I have an ethical standard that prohibits me …

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How You Know When A Guy’s Not Gay

We’ve all seen the infomercials for the Shake Weight. And if you haven’t, surely you’ve laughed at them when they show up in film clips on The Tonight Show With Jay Leno or The Daily Show With Jon Stewart. But if you’ve been living in a sewer for the past couple of years and don’t …

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Movies That Inspire My Kind of Chick Flick

Last weekend a friend suggested we download and watch the movie The Notebook, which is based on the book of the same name by Nicholas Sparks. Even though the book was a bestseller and the movie ended up being a popular chick flick, I had the same reaction to this suggestion as if my friend …

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The Ghost of TV Past

Last year I wrote a blog post about how I love to shop in thrift stores. Well, the other day I was in a Deseret Industries in Salt Lake, which is the Mormon version of Good Will, when I noticed a humungous, 50-inch, old-fashioned, analog, tube TV on display among a sea of iPods and …

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Mother Bloggers Tackles the Big Questions and Mommy Guilt

Have you had the big talk with your kids yet? And no, I’m not talking about getting them to explain to you how the PS-3 you already own can be used in place of an expensive DVR-blueray player. (Although if you haven’t had that discussion yet, you should. It can save you hundreds of dollars.) …

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My Perfect Date: SWM With a Strong Stomach and an Ironic Sense of HumorHow You Know When A Guy’s Not GayMovies That Inspire My Kind of Chick FlickThe Ghost of TV PastMother Bloggers Tackles the Big Questions and Mommy Guilt

May 15

My Perfect Date: SWM With a Strong Stomach and an Ironic Sense of Humor

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divorce, humor, women

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Wedding Kiss 300x187 My Perfect Date: SWM With a Strong Stomach and an Ironic Sense of Humor

This does not guarantee you won’t have to date again someday (BTW, what the hell are they doing?)

Being divorced for almost a year now, I’ve been asked by more than one online dating website to try out their services for free and then document the resulting zany adventures on my blog. I’ve yet to take advantage of these anomalous, yet generous, offers. Not because I have an ethical standard that prohibits me from dragging innocent victims into my public sphere of wackiness (anyone is fair game, just ask my kids), but rather because I “date” just about as well as I’d perform an emergency appendectomy on you if your appendix burst while we were on the dance floor doing the Hustle. In other words, start making those funeral arrangements now.

I was married for two decades and some change. And one of the perks of matrimony, I thought, was Read the rest of this entry »

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May 08

How You Know When A Guy’s Not Gay

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humor, shopping, women

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d097c shake weight for men pic 300x225 How You Know When A Guy’s Not Gay

Oh hell no, that’s not gay at all (???)

We’ve all seen the infomercials for the Shake Weight. And if you haven’t, surely you’ve laughed at them when they show up in film clips on The Tonight Show With Jay Leno or The Daily Show With Jon Stewart.

But if you’ve been living in a sewer for the past couple of years and don’t have cable or Internet TV, let me bring you up to speed. A Shake Weight is a wiggly, little barbell that you grasp with both hands in front of your chest, and then pump up and down like you’re jerking off a bionic dick. The Shake Weight has a spring in it, the idea being that the torque from the jerking off action provides counterweight to the movement, thus causing muscle fatigue in your arms, chest and shoulders.

Same thing can be accomplished during foreplay, but Read the rest of this entry »

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May 01

Movies That Inspire My Kind of Chick Flick

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humor, movies, women

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notebook ver2 202x300 Movies That Inspire My Kind of Chick Flick

I admit Ryan Gosling is hot

Last weekend a friend suggested we download and watch the movie The Notebook, which is based on the book of the same name by Nicholas Sparks. Even though the book was a bestseller and the movie ended up being a popular chick flick, I had the same reaction to this suggestion as if my friend had proposed we order out for monkey brains right after we shaved the cat.

Eww. No, thanks. (Insert grossed out expression here.)

The suggestion was doubly perplexing because my friend is a guy and usually you have to drag guys to movies like The Notebook by either threatening them with death or bribing them with sex. I did neither. Instead I graciously asked him to pick something else. And added that if the next words out of his mouth were Steel Magnolias I’d have to revoke his man card. Read the rest of this entry »

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Apr 25

The Ghost of TV Past

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family, humor, Internet TV, technology, TV

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BigscreenTv 300x224 The Ghost of TV Past

Look how fat these things were!

Last year I wrote a blog post about how I love to shop in thrift stores. Well, the other day I was in a Deseret Industries in Salt Lake, which is the Mormon version of Good Will, when I noticed a humungous, 50-inch, old-fashioned, analog, tube TV on display among a sea of iPods and baby flat screens. What the hell? Who is going to buy that big-ass, ugly thing? It was so out of place it looked like somebody’s grandma had crashed a rave. You couldn’t even give it the “shabby chic” treatment and repurpose it into some useless ornamental doodad that sells at overpriced art festivals. Could you imagine this beast as a toilet paper caddy? Not unless your bathroom was the size of an end zone.

No, the best this relic could hope for is Read the rest of this entry »

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Apr 22

Mother Bloggers Tackles the Big Questions and Mommy Guilt

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bloggers, comedy, family, Internet TV, moms

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Mother bloggers 300x193 Mother Bloggers Tackles the Big Questions and Mommy Guilt

Mother Bloggers is at home on channel 7 of FirstRun.tv

Have you had the big talk with your kids yet? And no, I’m not talking about getting them to explain to you how the PS-3 you already own can be used in place of an expensive DVR-blueray player. (Although if you haven’t had that discussion yet, you should. It can save you hundreds of dollars.) No, I’m talking about the birds and the bees. At some point, every parent has to go through that uncomfortable lecture about where babies come. Or you could just do like our parents did and hope your kids pick up the concept by osmosis on the playground…or in our case, the Internet. Or better yet, just let them watch a season of South Park and they’re good to go.

On the latest episode of Mother Bloggers (the funny mom talk show I’m on—keep up, people) we tackle the big questions kids ask, which, in addition to sex, includes Read the rest of this entry »

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Apr 15

New and Improved Sex Toys Parties

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humor, women

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tupperware party 300x245 New and Improved Sex Toys Parties

Tupperware: The 1950s version of a sex toys party

Recently I went to a sex toys party. Actually, this wasn’t my first rodeo in this arena so I thought I knew what to expect. Years ago I had a good friend who was a sex toys rep. She booked Tupperware-like parties in women’s homes and gave compelling speeches to frustrated suburban housewives on the joys of silicon-based slippery lotions and vibrating devices with names like The Banging Butterfly and The Platinum Power Bullet. These gatherings were even more fun when a clueless Mormon mom showed up, thinking she was attending a sect party that was supposed to be raising money for some kid’s mission. Read the rest of this entry »

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Apr 08

A Husband Worth His Weight…in Carats

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death, family, humor, marriage, women

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Husband diamond 240x300 A Husband Worth His Weight...in Carats

Oh darling, you shouldn’t have…taken so long to croak

I get some pretty quirky stuff in my inbox on a daily basis (now, there’s a sentence that would’ve needed some explaining a mere 20 years ago), but today’s post from Café Mom is on course to set a record. It read, “When Her Husband Dies, She Plans to Turn Him into Jewelry.” Apparently, she told her husband (who hasn’t kicked the bucket yet) that she planned on having him made into a diamond after he died. His response? “How much is that going to cost?” What do you care, Tightwad Timmy? You’ll be dead. Besides, she’ll have that nice life insurance policy payout and your social security check to cover it. With plenty, I’m sure, left over to invite the buffed pool guy to join her in Aruba.

This couldn’t possibly be true, I thought. It ranks up there with Walt Disney cryogenically freezing his head, or Dale Evans stuffing her horse, Trigger. (Or was it a Roy Rogers she stuffed? I can’t remember.) So just for grins I googled “jewelry made out of cremation ashes” and sure enough countless websites popped up that educate you on the wonders of turning your dearly departed into a lovely ankle bracelet (or whatever). Read the rest of this entry »

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Apr 01

Being Cynical Never Felt So Good

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comedy, divorce, humor, relationships

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causes obesity overweight problem 300x200 Being Cynical Never Felt So Good

How do you measure cynicism?

Cynical. The word itself sounds so…clinical. Like it’s a quantifiable form of behavior, even though there’s no specific unit of measurement for it. You can’t say, for example, “Wow, that person is so cynically overweight, her cynicism must be all the way up to 300 lbs. She needs to cut back on Fox News or else her ego is going to implode.”

I bring this up because last week I reconnected with an old friend whom I’ve known my entire adult life, and he said that I’d turned a bit cynical since we’d last hung out a million years ago. I find this rather odd, because I’ve considered myself sarcastic, skeptical, and mocking ever since I learned how to forge my mother’s signature on notes from my teachers…but never cynical. Read the rest of this entry »

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Mar 22

Pee Pants to the Rescue

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family, humor, moms, women

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mommy toilet1 276x300 Pee Pants to the Rescue

Fifth time today…

As a mom I’ve often had to stop for frequent bathroom breaks on long family car trips…usually because of me. Having two sons it’s always irked me that if they have to go to the bathroom after we’ve embarked on that long ribbon of highway, all we have to do is pull off at the next overpass, find a (sort of) remote spot in some bushes and they’re good to go. Literally.

But for me (and most women) it’s trickier than that. Which is why I got a little excited when my brother, Coulter, sent me an article from the NY Daily News entitled Female Mushers Test Out Pee Pants During Alaska’s Iditarod Dog Sled Race. More than merely adult diapers for those of us who can’t just whip it out when nature calls, Pee Pants actually have a funnel connected to a tube that collects the waste and ferries it down to a baggie in your boot. That way one does not have to sit in wet pants until a proper changing can take place. Read the rest of this entry »

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Mar 15

Bacon Grease Beauty Treatments

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family, humor

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Bacon Frying @5402 279x300 Bacon Grease Beauty Treatments

Preparing for a bacon grease bath

Okay, this tops it for me this week in the craziest things I’ve heard. A friend of mine (who shall remain nameless) says that if you add bacon grease to your bath water it helps keep your skin soft. Yes. You heard that right. Bacon grease.

I tried to write a funny Facebook post about this, but quickly realized there was too much to include for such a little snippet. This had to be an entire blog post. Why? Because the jokes practically write themselves and I didn’t want to miss a golden opportunity to give bacon baths the old Rumaki treatment (as in “skewer” them).

When I mentioned this to my friend, she warned me that bacon is really big business now days, and that a satirical blog post making fun of the health benefits of bacon might offend some folks in the bacon community.

Nuts to that, I say. Let’s get started. Read the rest of this entry »

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